Emigrating with children: how to help your child through the move

Helping your child through an emigration comes in two parts: before departure you prepare them for the goodbye, and after arrival you watch closely for a few months how they are really doing. That second part is often forgotten. Children are flexible, they'll get used to it, and they don't complain. That is often true, but it isn't the whole story.

For you as parents, emigrating is a choice. For a child, it is something that happens. They leave friends, school, grandparents and familiar places behind, without having asked for it. A lot goes on inside, even when you see little of it on the outside.

What changes for a child?

Almost everything at once:

• Friends. Friendships from school and the street are put at a distance.
• School. A new class, different rules, and often a different language.
• Family. Grandparents, cousins and aunts are no longer there every week.
• Familiar places. Their own room, the park, the sports club.
• Who they are. A child is suddenly "the new one", or "that Dutch kid".

Some children show it clearly. Others keep it to themselves, so as not to burden their parents. So a child who doesn't complain isn't necessarily untouched by it.

How do you prepare your child?

How to help your child in the months before departure:

• Tell them in good time. A few months ahead, as soon as the decision is final. Make clear that you are going to live there, and that it isn't a long holiday.
• Leave room for sadness and anger. You don't have to solve it. Listening is enough.
• Let your child decide where possible. Which things come along, what the new room looks like, what you'll do in the first week.
• Make the goodbye concrete. A farewell party, a photo book of friends and favourite places, and friends' addresses and numbers to take along.
• Agree on fixed moments to stay in touch. A fixed evening for a video call with friends or grandparents works better than "we'll call sometime".
• Show them the new place in advance. Photos of the house and the school, the neighbourhood on the map, a few words in the new language.

Do you share custody after a divorce? Then you first need the consent of the other parent, or of the court. That comes before everything.

What do you watch for after arrival?

Settling in doesn't go in a straight line. The first weeks are often exciting and new. The hard moment sometimes only comes later, when the novelty has worn off and old friends feel far away.

A child rarely says "I'm homesick". You are more likely to notice it in these ways:

• They sleep worse, or more often have a stomach ache or headache.
• They withdraw, or are quick to get angry.
• They don't want to go to school, or say nothing about it.
• They only keep in touch with friends in the Netherlands, and aren't interested in new ones.

What helps:

• Ask about it at a quiet moment, in the car or at bedtime. Not just "how was school?", but also "what was the hardest part today?".
• Find a club, sport or hobby. Children often make friends there faster than in class, even while the language is still hard.
• Keep the old friendships going, next to new ones. Video calls with friends in the Netherlands help, as long as there is also room for new friends.
• Talk to the school. Tell the teacher or mentor that you have just moved, and ask whether someone supports new pupils.
• Be honest about your own struggles. Children pick up on their parents' tension very well. If you say that you sometimes feel homesick too, your child finds it easier to say so.